Hello again

Invested some time revisiting the posts I have place here over the years. So much richness, so many good insights. Reflection is the richness that makes us human, and I am thankful for having those thoughts captured here.

I have had some tough times in the last couple of years. Still in the mix right now of crazy, unsettled times. But I am thankful for good things in my life. Starting with my sister who has stuck with me through thick and thin and helped me get perspective. Who made me see that actually in some situations, I was ok. I was reacting humanly and well. We need these sounding boards, especially if they come from good people, with the heart in the right place.

Thank you.

I have learned a lot, a hell of a lot. It is completely true what I have written in the past to myself - that it is in times of great difficulty that we grow more. That we take more learnings and evolve more. It can be extremely difficult, but you will survive and come out stronger. Sometimes (often!) you may feel that you are not coming out, but you will. And stronger and better. And you will be thankful for the experience. I am not there yet, but for sure I am now much stronger than I was 1 year ago. Dramatically stronger. I've experienced a lot in the last 12 months, from break ups, changing company of 17 years and starting in a new company, culture and country. Living by myself again. Rebuilding some sort of life by myself. Being able to survive by myself, even doing the basics, from paying bills, grocery shopping and planning events for the weekend. Being human to my friends! Being there for them and recognizing that it is important to invest time in this. God, how often I have forgotten that in the past and how bad that is for me or for any human. We are built to be connected. We are built to live in society. By nature I am extremely independent and self reliant. But even that can be too much for me, and yes, I have definitely overdone it in the last few years.

Such a pleasure to be writing again. Such smoothness that thoughts just stream down and by writing it, it helps me make sense of things and get more clarity. It is emotional.

Life is short. Quite a lot of evidence of that in the recent past. My parents getting visibly older, my father, what can I say... can't put it in words. Losing everything physical, all strength, and of course with impact on the mental side. Last week, the father of a very close friend died - I hadn't spoken with her for years and years, but called her on this occasion and we had a chat. Like we had been speaking every day. It was so honest and transparent. I felt her pain, her thoughts, what she was feeling. I am so sorry for her and I see her pain. I am scared and sad that such a moment will come to me and my family.

Winding down my relationship. Broke up 9 months ago. Still not closed. Was with her yesterday. So difficult. I love her so much, and we together have had so many special things, and on top we have built a fantastic HOME together. Which is where I still live and which I haven't really changed since she left. She also hasn't wanted to move her things out yet. It is too painful. I can't bring myself to tear apart this home that we put together, I think there is some magic in it, I fear that bringing it down will remove the layer of protection that it gives me... I am scared. But I do know deep down that change brings freshness, it brings badly needed things.

The best example is on my professional life. I have worked for 17 years in one of the worlds largest multinationals. I was on the ladder, on the mouse wheel, fighting for a promotion for the last 3 or 4 years. I actually landed that promotion, only for it not too happen due to restructuring. Twice! Had external opportunities until I finally decided to leave and go for one of these. Such a hard decision, such hard times. Incredibly difficult and emotional to leave. Uncomfortable. But God I have gained from it. Incredible amounts of confidence - starting with that I can survive and dramatically thrive in other environments! Realizing actually how good I am and the strength of my background! Having others be surprised by some actions and personal touches, that went largely unnoticed in my previous organization, but are now extremely appreciated. 

the world is like this. Luck does play a huge role. While also, if you are good and practice the good, the universe does balance itself out and reward you accordingly. Same if you are bad, if you are disrespectful or mean to others, the universe pays you in kind. But opportunities extremely often do not come from extreme planning for them to come - NO. They come from us being out there, and engaging with people and the world, being out there exposing ourselves and being unconfortable - then the world throws something at you, often something fantastic, that will challenge you but is exactly what you needed, or even what you deep down wished for. But we DO need to be out there, be in the game, be exposed. Show ourselves, warts and all. Show everything we are, the good but also the weak. And by doing that, we are so much stronger. And by doing that, we can open ourselves to meeting the people we need in our lifes - people who are the same, who are authentic, who are human and who will appreciate you.