Lost

I feel lost.
Don't have direction.
Feel lonely. Don't want to be lonely in this stage in life. In the past sometimes I made that choice. I don't want it now.

That part of my life (partner) is key at this stage. It is what fills my mind. With hindsight, probably it has been on my mind for quite a while now, since 06?
But only now I think I start to understand how important it is.

And it seems so important that it influences other areas. Can't find motivation and objectives at work. As the personal side needs work, it shouts for attention, it drains energy, it requires me. And nothing else can get attention if that part is not solved.

Sad.
Also, not sure how to solve it. How do you know who is right for you?
How can you tell if someone is 'the one' for you?

Yes, with some partner there might be huge passion. But does that last? Is that enough?
Sure, there is also great values and personality, which breeds great respect. But does it mean more than a great friendship? Don't we also need more there?

A mix of both is ideal. But I can't seem to find it. Am I really looking? Am I overlooking something? Do I need to look more, or do I already have exactly what I want and need?

Life lessons and priorities

Quite tired in the last few weeks...
Pressure mounting at work, a few clashes with people on the board (due to one of them wanting to steal somebody in my team), also discussing and wondering whether I should take a great job opportunity that came along (another country, same company, central category role), a bit of travelling, issues with another person I manage (not delivering the goods)...

Pressure mounts up and is tiring. What I fail to do and definitely need to improve at is to switch off after leaving the office. I do do a lot of sports, have a great network family and friends, but still find myself mulling over stuff at home, after dinner, before going to bed.

Meditation does help, but I find a lot more difficult to do when I am tired and this then builds into a negative circle: I am stressed, get tired, don't meditate, anxiety accumulates, am stressed...
It is a lot easier to meditate when fully fit and on form!!!

On other stuff, the job offer I got was quite good. It came via my boss, as it was a great opportunity and she felt that despite not wanting to lose me she felt it was too good to miss out, and in the end she could bring me back as a more valuable resource.
Anyway, great opportunity, expat package, really cool role but in the end... I didn't take. Gut feel said no. Why? It's not the first time, so I wonder why I turn down great job opps?
- suspected reason 1: I want to do it with a partner, not by myself as I did it last time... Want it to be an adventure for 2, no patience for building a social network again all over again by myself...
- suspected reason 2: no great connection with the guy who would be my boss. Could also be, as I do like inspiring bosses
- suspected reason 3: chicken?! Afraid to risk it? Don't think so! It wouldn't be much of a risk and in the event of things going wrong the financial pay off for me would be quite nice
- suspected reason 4:....?

I think wanting to be with a partner is one of the key priorities for my life now. When I sit down and start wondering what I want to do, what objectives I want to achieve, most things that come up are personal. And I think that rationally I struggle with this! I've spent the last decade focusing on career and achieving stuff at work, jobs, roles, moves... now I find it hard to deal that personal life becomes important!

Also, I do have a really nice job now. And I get along great with my boss. And, above all the rest, I am learning! I am getting exposed to people management, dealing with very experienced guys who've 'been around' a while and know how to play the game...
Though sometimes through difficulties I just want to leave, it is great to be exposed to difficulties. It's a learning experience. Learn and grow.
And I don't want to leave the current job without delivering stuff. I've been on the job for just over 1 year. And the prior one was the same. I now need a job where I will leave a mark. Deliver an emblematic product. Something that will still be around 10 years from now. Something that I will be proud of.
And I can do that now. And... settle my personal life at the same time.

Time for reflection, time for Action

For quite a while I have been thinking and turning my head around, trying to figure out what my passion at work is. What is it that I should do that will make me feel more fulfilled? And if I am more fulfilled I will enjoy it more, do it better and ultimately, be better at it, be successful.

I've read or am in the process of reading all the books you can think of. I take notes. I summarize. I think a lot.
But real progress has been somewhat limited. I do have a much greater, incomparably deeper, understanding of myself. Of my strengths, of my mind chatter, of my likes and dislikes.

I don't have a clear vision of what I want to do. I don't know what it is. But I've got some clues, not very strong no, but some pointers.

I've been waiting for this clear vision, 100% pure and obvious to come along but I don't think it will. Probable that is not the way things work! Apart from a fortunate few who seem to know since they are kids what they were born to do, most of us need to keep at it. Digging and doing stuff, progressing.

Reflection is good, but it comes down to nothing if you don't act on it. It is time to ACT.
It reminds of meditation: I read loads about it on the internet, all kinds of comments and adivces, methods... But it did nothing for me. I started thinking of it as somewhat of a new age bullshit... Until a friend convinced me to join a course and I actually invested some time in TRYING it. In getting of my butt and actually doing something, ACTING. And then I understood its impact and its benefits. And all that I had read started to make a lot more sense.

Though I don't have the clear career vision I would love to have, it is time to ACT. To capitalize on all I've read. To move, to take risks. To leave the state of limbo and get out there, expose myself, do things, talk to people, take courses, joing classes, get out, sell, buy, experience, try... ACT.

The Power of Positive Affirmations

I woke up a few nights ago in the middle of the night. I was having a restless night and when I woke up I distinctively heard a voice in my head, saying 'Are you really adding value?'

I had been dreaming about my job, about a presentation I was to hold in a few days to the CEO, giving him an update on the projects I am leading.

The weird part was... how much the voice was clear, how clearly I heard it in my head but as if someone was inside my head whispering it to me. With hindsight, this brought back to me memories of the book 'The power of now' by Eckhart Tolle (http://eckharttolle.com/the_power_of_now). In this book, Eckhart describes how one day, lying in bed, during a rough stage in his life, he heard a voice constantly repeating in his head: 'I cannot live with myself any longer.' He then realised how peculiar this thought was and questioned himself: Am I one or two? If he could not live with himself, than he must be two. the 'I' and the 'self' he cannot live with!
This realization stopped his mind, suddenly he was fully conscious but with his mind free of thoughts. Full of energy, no fear. This was a turning point, recognising this incessant chatter in his mind.

We all suffer from it. I've realised it from time to time, the incessant flow of thinking in our minds... sometimes critical, sometimes afraid, sometimes buoyant. But not real.

I am still learning how to deal with it. Becoming more mindful is also about quietening your mind chatter. About just being, in a state of full acceptance, in the present moment.

Preparing for my presentation, what I found really helpful was repeating to myself positive affirmations! Ideally, we should aim for mindfulness but since for most of us 'non awakened' this is hard... a good solution is to fill the mind with positive affirmations!!!
If the mind is to talk, might as well be positive!!!

PS - My presentation went really well and yes, the voice in my mind was deceitful... I proved how much value I was adding to the business.

Binaural beats: holosync and holothink update

The latest on the use of holosync and holothink:
- I've now been using holosync for quite a while. The key impact on my life is how much it does relax me. I listen to it everyday before going to bed and usually I have a good night sleep. Sometimes I do fall asleep while listening to the tape, but somehow wake up as it is finishing. Regarding 'issues' coming up, as it is claimed by holosync (that issues that are on the back of your mind will come up and this will enable you to solve them), no, no experience whatsoever on that field. Most times I am listening to the tapes lying down, mostly in bed, and maybe this does reduce the effectiveness of the tapes. Ideally you should do it sitting down or in other meditation posture, but this can be a bit hard...
- With holothink I had amazing first results with the laser focus demo. I did then go on and purchase the full length laser focus tape and... I am quite disapointed. It is an 1 hour tape, which is much more difficult to listen to than the 10 minutes samples. The sample was great, you just listened to it in the begining of the day and it was like a productivity burst! Now, the 1 hour tape not only takes a lot longer to go through (and you can't really spend 1 hour just listening to a tape at work, not in most regular jobs at least) but above all - I am not experiencing the same results as I did in the begining...

Anyway, I'll keep on using them and write another update later on.

Holosync update! And what about holothink?

Ordered the holosync tapes and been trying them for the last 3 weeks. Learnings:
- it's great to relax at night. There's a tape 'The Dive' which is easy to get intoand really relaxes you, seems to clear your brain. After listening to it, I seem to be sleeping better, a heavier undisturbed sleep. The way centerpointe recommends to use it is to sit down, close your eyes and listen to the 30 min track. I don't find it difficult and time just flies. I recomend it.
- after 2 weeks, you're supposed to add the 2nd tape, called immersion. I'm doing it but it's a lot harder to listen to, I get itchy and raring to get up... so no real effect so far...
As I was experiencing some success, I've looked more into this world of binaural beats. It's getting huge really, though no real big player has jumped in, I think it misses a big player that will give it credibility. Anyway, as I researched it I came across other company, holothink, and gave a go to one of their tapes, called laser focus. And it was absolutely amazing. It's supposed to increase your focus and concentration and you can listen to it while doing something else. It's a rough sound, not easy to listen to but in the 1st day I used it... I did have a really fantastic day, got a lot of work done!!! All that stuff that I was dreading doing, I just got up and did it! It was amazing!! After that, I wondered if I just had had a good day or if it was down to the tape. So I listened to it again, and though not as good as the 1st day, the results were still really good. I've used their 10 minute demo (get it over the internet here at http://www.focusoptimizer.com) for a few days and it's good. Will consider buying it.

Centerpointe's Holosync: 1st impressions

Ok, so now I've been using the Holosync demo tape for about 3 days. I've used it at home (at night), and also in the office.
Still first impressions but I wanted to share them.

During listening to the demo, I don't really feel a thing. In the begining, I did get some visual patterns, but not anymore. When I listened to it at night, I got quite awake after it, for about twenty minutes and then plunged into a good sleep. Had some weird dreams though with strong feelings associated, someof enthusiasm but also some of deep sadness. Strange... I found myself waking up earlier but more energised.

Using the tapes at work had the result of concentrating much easier it seems? The last couple of days I am also reaching the end of the day in a less tired state.

Given these early conclusions, I am now more curious about holosync and will use it for a while longer to see if these results come from the tape or not...

I'll keep you posted.

Centerpointe's Holosync: real or fake

Yesterday I received the demo CD from Centerpointe regarding their 'technique' of meditation via sound waves, Holosync.
Gave it a go: first time I listened, was very surprised as images just came to my mind with me having no control over them! Mainly lights and patterns! Then was a bit disapointed as most of the demo is about this guy selling you the benefits of the technique and enticing you to buy the full cd set, at $179!
Another bad impression was that on the website, they said they had to charge $9 for postal deliveries, the CD sample was totally free. When I got it, there was a stamp from the post office with the cost of delivery at around $4... So contrary to what they say, they are making quite a bit of money on 'free samples' and tricking consumers that way.
Getting down to the real stuff, does it help you to meditate and relax, increase awareness, it's too early to tell. To start with, I admit I am suspicious of something that you basically have to do nothing but put on a pair of headphones for such 'advertised' amazing benefits. Normal meditation is difficult but the reward is also in the process.
But I'll keep at it and will share the conclusions in a few days!

How to make better decisions?

Came across this great post that I wanted to share.
It's good because it's challenging and makes you think.
Read it on http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/are-you-rationalizing-your-decisions/
Hope you enjoy it.

Big Mind, Big Heart

Just yesterday, as I was heading to the office, I made an effort to be aware and conscious of the voices in the 'chatter box' (as Susan Jeffers calls it in her books), or the voices of advice/criticism/fear/etc inside our heads.
Making the effort allowed me to see that it was expressing fear and anxiety, for what I had to face that day at work, the ammount of tasks, an underperforming business, a team still storming and forming...
Having realized this, I acknowledged it. I said to myself that I recognized this feeling. And just this fact, just recognizing and aknowledging it, made such an impact! The voice basically almost disappeared - as if the voice was previously shouting to be heard, as it was in fact heard, the need to shoud disapeared.

I know it may sound strange, but it's hard to put into words. It clearly reminded me of a conference I attended (there's a post on it) - Big Mind, Big Heart. Here's what I wrote:
'Recently though I have been to a workshop called Big Mind Big Heart. It's a process, based on meditation but very practical. It's more like a game where you recognize all the 'players' or voices inside you and you acknowledge them and thank them for doing their job. You hear the damaged self and understand him, he´s there to take the hits and suffering that life will always throw at you and the only thing he wants is... to be recognized and thanked for his work, that he does so well and always will. But most of us, what we do is... try to protect him! To keep him from doing his job. And there is the Controler or the Critic or Fear or the Ego... each with their job.
And if we all recognize them, we mature and get closer to full awareness and enlightment. What was great was that we spend a couple of hours seeing all these 'voices or players' and as you spend time listening to them and acknowledging them they mature and become less restless. And you get closer to your true self, to enlightment, to your Heart or whatever you want to call it. And in the end of the process we realize that we are one with universe. These voices represent everything that exists in the universe. and everybody and everything has them. And we are one with the universe.'